Hi Bougie Hippie (love your name)! I appreciate your comment. I also had an avoidant father and co-dependent mother. I remember reading in the book "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents" by Lindsay C. Gibson how for children who internalize (that is totally me) the emotional immaturity of their parents and the chaotic lifestyle that comes with it, they often protect themselves by creating a fantasy world...as I get older I am realizing that my fantasy that I am dismantling is that I would reach an end, destination, of my inner work journey especially with codependency. I am now realizing that this fantasy is harmful, and to free myself I am realizing that the work is never done, but with the proper tools, commitment to accountability, and not being afraid to "mess up" (also a recovering perfectionist here 🙋🏾♀️), that these tools and habits will help me embody my healing in a way that I naturally know how to respond, self-sooth, and look in the mirror to see where I need give myself love, grace, forgiveness, and mercy! I def have a past/pattern of repressed anger and just bottling things up until I can't hold them anymore and then I EXPLODE! I am learning the beauty of vulnerability, safety of expression (through emotional intimacy), and not being afraid to show my "true colors"! I am so happy to hear that you have attracted someone healthier because you are healthier (I often talk about how it is my belief that life is a mirror to us). I am so excited for that day to come. I am currently on my self-love journey and the journey of reparenting myself, and am learning it is so much deeper than performative self-care (spa treatments, naps, etc.). I have a question, do you have an example of how you used sex as an escape and control. I am the opposite! I can't engage sexually unless I have an emotional connection and since that is rare...well you know the rest! This work is DEDICATION! But when I look at the damage that is done from the lack of work, it makes it WORTH WHILE! I appreciate our energy exchange!
That Adult Children book by Lindsay Gibson sounds good. I'll look into it.
Yes, also learning the beauty of vulnerability and the freedom that comes with that.
To answer your questions - I'm a pill and weed addict and alcoholic now many years sober and in 12 step groups but sex/love was and is my drug of choice since it has the same effect of oblivion. The control comes to play when giving the guy sex to keep him therefor control him or withhold also to keep him controlled if that makes sense.
Using sex to manipulate basically. Instead of an act of love and intimacy.
In this new relationship that is mirroring my healthier state of mind I don't feel the need to control him or obliviate myself with sex but more an act of reciprocating love...which is terrifying since my heart is opening...which is a whole new experience. Finally.
Gotcha! I totally understand what you mean when it comes to using sex as control, manipulation, but at the root...safety! Especially when dealing with abandonment wounds! From young I was taught that my virginity was the best thing I could give a man...on the other hand I also saw how sex could be used for power. I am so happy that you have a healing relationship where you can explore the healing, freedom side of sex. I love reading about tantra and more healing sexual arts! Everything has polarity (positive/negative), so being able to explore both sides will def bring balance. As a teenager/young lady I always talked about how I saw the negative side of sex (abuse, power, exploitation), I one day would like to see the opposite of that! I appreciate your vulnerability and openness! I hope for future commenters they see our dialogue and it helps them in a way that has helped me, and I hope also you! Thanks for the book recommendation! I will be sure to check out "The Language of Letting Go".
yes, tantra! this new guy isn’t obsessed with just getting to release, like he doesn’t even need to until many times or days after, which causes me not to be uber focused on getting there before him. Tantra or tantric sex is a whole other world. x
Ohhhh yes ma’am! I had a lover once that practiced semen retention and the art of tantra! It was so a beautiful journey! It felt so nice being with a man who loved the woman’s body, feminine energy, and partaking in such a vulnerable energy exchange! It has been 5 years since he passed but I still think about the harmony we shared and the beautiful love making! I am so happy that you are experiencing that! I pray every woman gets to experience that! When you get to know the difference between getting fu****, having your body used as a master****** tool, and being made love too….that is when you see the healing aspect of sex vs. the destructive degrading type of sex! Hahaha
Wow! This is so clearly expressed and deeply accessible. I really appreciate how you laid out the many ways codependency can show up, especially how it’s often mistaken for strength or selflessness.
I write about boundaries in relationships too, and this reminded me: boundaries aren’t always about keeping others out—they’re often about protecting ourselves from these very patterns. Thank you for putting this into words so powerfully.
Your comment just made me smile! I highly recommend the book “Codependent No More” by Melody Beattie! I often have said to myself that I have to set boundaries with MYSELF! Being self aware about my shadows and weaknesses helps me to set balanced boundaries! From experience I have learned that boundaries set from pain are more like walls to keep others OUT…even to control sometimes! But boundaries set in wisdom and clarity is to create harmony for both parties while allowing each person to be themselves to discern if both are truly aligned with one another! Could you post a link to a post that you have written about boundaries that you highly recommend? I’d love to add it to my list! I appreciate your support 🫶🏾🫶🏾🫶🏾
This line hit home:
Until you're so used to tolerating emotional neglect that love without pain feels foreign.
My father was the avoidant. My mother the co dependent. I’ve dated both of them.
Took a long time of relationship anorexia to find self love and not drown myself in others.
Repressed anger to then explode.
Used sex for escape and control instead of just love
I finally attracted someone healthier since I’m healthier but I’m still noticing issues pop up that need attention instead of repression.
The work never ends. 😏
Hi Bougie Hippie (love your name)! I appreciate your comment. I also had an avoidant father and co-dependent mother. I remember reading in the book "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents" by Lindsay C. Gibson how for children who internalize (that is totally me) the emotional immaturity of their parents and the chaotic lifestyle that comes with it, they often protect themselves by creating a fantasy world...as I get older I am realizing that my fantasy that I am dismantling is that I would reach an end, destination, of my inner work journey especially with codependency. I am now realizing that this fantasy is harmful, and to free myself I am realizing that the work is never done, but with the proper tools, commitment to accountability, and not being afraid to "mess up" (also a recovering perfectionist here 🙋🏾♀️), that these tools and habits will help me embody my healing in a way that I naturally know how to respond, self-sooth, and look in the mirror to see where I need give myself love, grace, forgiveness, and mercy! I def have a past/pattern of repressed anger and just bottling things up until I can't hold them anymore and then I EXPLODE! I am learning the beauty of vulnerability, safety of expression (through emotional intimacy), and not being afraid to show my "true colors"! I am so happy to hear that you have attracted someone healthier because you are healthier (I often talk about how it is my belief that life is a mirror to us). I am so excited for that day to come. I am currently on my self-love journey and the journey of reparenting myself, and am learning it is so much deeper than performative self-care (spa treatments, naps, etc.). I have a question, do you have an example of how you used sex as an escape and control. I am the opposite! I can't engage sexually unless I have an emotional connection and since that is rare...well you know the rest! This work is DEDICATION! But when I look at the damage that is done from the lack of work, it makes it WORTH WHILE! I appreciate our energy exchange!
That Adult Children book by Lindsay Gibson sounds good. I'll look into it.
Yes, also learning the beauty of vulnerability and the freedom that comes with that.
To answer your questions - I'm a pill and weed addict and alcoholic now many years sober and in 12 step groups but sex/love was and is my drug of choice since it has the same effect of oblivion. The control comes to play when giving the guy sex to keep him therefor control him or withhold also to keep him controlled if that makes sense.
Using sex to manipulate basically. Instead of an act of love and intimacy.
In this new relationship that is mirroring my healthier state of mind I don't feel the need to control him or obliviate myself with sex but more an act of reciprocating love...which is terrifying since my heart is opening...which is a whole new experience. Finally.
Gotcha! I totally understand what you mean when it comes to using sex as control, manipulation, but at the root...safety! Especially when dealing with abandonment wounds! From young I was taught that my virginity was the best thing I could give a man...on the other hand I also saw how sex could be used for power. I am so happy that you have a healing relationship where you can explore the healing, freedom side of sex. I love reading about tantra and more healing sexual arts! Everything has polarity (positive/negative), so being able to explore both sides will def bring balance. As a teenager/young lady I always talked about how I saw the negative side of sex (abuse, power, exploitation), I one day would like to see the opposite of that! I appreciate your vulnerability and openness! I hope for future commenters they see our dialogue and it helps them in a way that has helped me, and I hope also you! Thanks for the book recommendation! I will be sure to check out "The Language of Letting Go".
yes, tantra! this new guy isn’t obsessed with just getting to release, like he doesn’t even need to until many times or days after, which causes me not to be uber focused on getting there before him. Tantra or tantric sex is a whole other world. x
Ohhhh yes ma’am! I had a lover once that practiced semen retention and the art of tantra! It was so a beautiful journey! It felt so nice being with a man who loved the woman’s body, feminine energy, and partaking in such a vulnerable energy exchange! It has been 5 years since he passed but I still think about the harmony we shared and the beautiful love making! I am so happy that you are experiencing that! I pray every woman gets to experience that! When you get to know the difference between getting fu****, having your body used as a master****** tool, and being made love too….that is when you see the healing aspect of sex vs. the destructive degrading type of sex! Hahaha
Perfectly said 🫦
Wow! This is so clearly expressed and deeply accessible. I really appreciate how you laid out the many ways codependency can show up, especially how it’s often mistaken for strength or selflessness.
I write about boundaries in relationships too, and this reminded me: boundaries aren’t always about keeping others out—they’re often about protecting ourselves from these very patterns. Thank you for putting this into words so powerfully.
Your comment just made me smile! I highly recommend the book “Codependent No More” by Melody Beattie! I often have said to myself that I have to set boundaries with MYSELF! Being self aware about my shadows and weaknesses helps me to set balanced boundaries! From experience I have learned that boundaries set from pain are more like walls to keep others OUT…even to control sometimes! But boundaries set in wisdom and clarity is to create harmony for both parties while allowing each person to be themselves to discern if both are truly aligned with one another! Could you post a link to a post that you have written about boundaries that you highly recommend? I’d love to add it to my list! I appreciate your support 🫶🏾🫶🏾🫶🏾